6 minute read

A lot of us live in a sex-obsessed culture, where desire and attraction are seen as essential. Because of this, we can feel weird or broken if we feel like we’re not attracted to anyone, or don’t desire people. 

The truth is, a lack of attraction isn’t all that uncommon. And there are lots of reasons why you’re feeling this way. Reasons that hopefully will make it make sense to you and give you a sense of relief and direction. 

In this article, I’m covering several of the big reasons, based on my experience as a sex therapist of 8+ years in the field.

How attraction works

To understand why you’re not attracted to anyone, you first need to understand how sexual attraction works in general. 

There are many factors that influence sexual attraction. These range from:

• The biological, such as the neurotransmitters oxytocin and dopamine, and a misinterpretation of physical excitement as sexual arousal and attraction.
• The psychosocial, such as how similar we are to someone and how close we are geographically, as well as how many perceived partners are available to us at any given time.

But while attraction is (obviously) very much about the person in front of us – it’s also about who we are.  

In fact, when we don’t feel attracted to anyone, it might have its roots in us, rather than those around us.

You might be asexual

One large reason why you might feel a lack of attraction could be asexuality. If you identify as asexual you likely don’t experience sexual or romantic attraction to anyone. And this doesn’t mean anything is wrong – it’s just who you are.

Unlike low libido, asexuality is an identity, just like any other. This means that rather than it being a temporary state, it’s a fixed one. 

You either are asexual or not. 

Asexuality is a spectrum which means your experiences may differ from those of other people who are asexual. For instance, some experience attraction and desire once they feel a deep emotional connection. Others never experience this, nor do they want to be in a romantic relationship. 

If this sounds like you, you may want to delve a little further into understanding asexuality. 

Compared to asexuality, if you experience low libido (where you likely also feel you’re not attracted to your partner, or perhaps anyone), this is something that can be changed. That is – if you want to feel desire and attraction once more.

WANT YOUR SEX DRIVE BACK?

My free resource The Desire Test helps you take that first step towards an increased sex drive, by understanding your decreased desire. 

Take the 10-page assessment quiz, get the answers you need to understand what’s standing in the way of your desire, and get free sex and relationship tips directly to your inbox. You can unsubscribe at any time.

If you’re not attracted to anyone but not asexual

Just because attraction has gone out the window for the time being, it doesn’t have to mean you’re asexual. In fact, a lot of clients I see find their loss of attraction is more temporary than anything else. 

Below are some common reasons why you might struggle with attraction. 

Low libido

If you’re struggling with low desire for sex, or a non-existent libido, it might be affecting how attracted you feel to people in general. This can even be the case if you’re in a long-term, loving relationship. 

Just because you’re with a great partner, it doesn’t mean your sex drive is always going to be rampant. Or that it will even exist at all. This doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life of no desire and attraction though. It simply means something needs to change to spark it again.

Along with our sexual desire, attraction can disappear due to things like constant arguing, a lack of emotional intimacy, or feeling disrespected. 

It’s also not strange if you find that what started out as your partner wanting more sex than you, has over time turned into a total lack of attraction.

While it’s common to have discrepant desire levels, if your partner says the wrong thing or puts pressure on you to have more sex – it can start to feel needy, clingy, or stressful. 

This in turn can make us feel less attracted to our partner, as well as lower our desire for sex in general. 

Mental health struggles

Our mental health affects the very core of our being. So much so that conditions such as depression and anxiety can fuel a lack of libido and attraction. 

While desire and attraction aren’t one in the same, they do have a strong link. And if you find you’re not attracted to anyone, don’t desire sex at all, and are depressed – there’s a big chance your depression is at the root of the problem. 

And this makes sense – because if you’re feeling down and nothing lights you up anymore, why wouldn’t that also affect how lit up you are by others?

Depression is a serious mental health condition that affects up to 5% of the global population. In other words – if you’re depressed, you’re definitely not alone. Some common symptoms are feeling hopeless, extremely tired or low energy, struggling with concentration, and a loss of appetite. 

To start feeling better it’s important to seek treatment which, depending on the severity of your depression, differs. Sometimes you need a combination of psychotherapy and medication, other times it’s one or the other. 

Once you start to feel better, you’re more likely to feel your attraction and sex drive come to life. And if you don’t, that’s when seeking help from a sex therapist is the next best step.

Defence mechanisms

When you’re not attracted to anyone, it can sometimes boil down to stubborn defences – standing in the way of your feelings. 

A defence mechanism is an unconscious psychological block developed over time to shield us from pain. Perhaps something we find painful or scary. They often develop during childhood, or adversity in teenage or adulthood.

For instance, if you’re afraid to get hurt, it might be best not to become attracted to anyone. Because that attraction could lead to a serious relationship. And that serious relationship could end at some point, causing major heartache. 

You might even be afraid no one else will find you attractive, so you stifle your feelings. You turn off your connection to your body so you don’t have to feel the excruciating pain of unrequited love or desire. 

To shut down means you don’t need to take any risks. However, it also means you miss the great rewards that make our lives truly meaningful. 

What to do when you’re not attracted to anyone

The truth is – you don’t need to do anything if you lack attraction to others. There’s nothing wrong with going periods of your life (or forever), without it. It only becomes a problem if it’s a problem in your relationship, or if you feel like something is missing. 

Sometimes we’re in a season of life where working on attraction simply isn’t important. Other times we shouldn’t even attempt to change things because we’ve realized we’re asexual. 

But if you do feel like you want a change. 

If you want to experience that pang of desire or flame of attraction again when seeing your partner undress.

If you want to be your flirty, playful self again – whether in a relationship or out and about in town. 

If you want, more than anything else, to feel lit up again by others, in the way that only attraction can offer – there’s things you can do. Lots of them. 

One is to start by reading this in-depth blog post on what to do when you’re no longer sexually attracted to your partner, filled with tips and advice. Another is to seek professional help from a sex therapist or coach. 

Whatever you do though, remember, like most things in life, this doesn’t have to be permanent – there is so much hope!