Most people have felt that rush of intense emotion when first attracted to someone: the butterflies, the obsessive thoughts, the constant yearning. Long-distance relationships can be a breeding ground for intense emotions, and the distinction between limerence and love is important to have awareness of with the intensified aspect of longing. Is this whirlwind of feelings truly love, or is it something else entirely?

Limerence vs. Love

The term limerence was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979, described as a state of intense infatuation and longing for reciprocation characterized by the following:

• Intrusive thoughts: The object of your affection consumes your thoughts, making it difficult to focus on anything else.
• Idealization: You see the person through rose-tinted glasses, often overlooking flaws or red flags.
• Emotional dependence: Your happiness hinges on their attention and approval.
• Fear of rejection: You’re constantly worried about losing their interest.
• Physical manifestations: Limerence can manifest physically as butterflies, a racing heart, or insomnia.

Limerence is often fueled by uncertainty and a desire for reciprocation. It thrives on fantasy and projection, creating an idealized image of the other person. While exciting and all-consuming, it can also be emotionally exhausting and unstable.

Since the birth of online dating apps and swipe culture, people have been connecting from near and far, allowing more options to find a mate perhaps anywhere in the world. The distance can create a unique longing and welcome environment for limerence to set it in, sweeping both away in intoxicating feelings that possibly do not play out when they finally find themselves face-to-face, in real life together.

Limerence is still not a highly explored concept, but research suggests that it stems from a mixture of personality traits, biological predispositions, and attachment styles. – Limerence vs. Love, The Couples Center

In contrast, love is a deeper, more enduring emotion characterized by:

• Mutual respect and trust: You value and appreciate each other for who you are, flaws and all.
• Emotional intimacy: You feel comfortable sharing your thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities.
• Commitment and loyalty: You’re dedicated to supporting each other through thick and thin with a high level of emotional safety, knowing you have each other’s back.
• Compassion and empathy: You genuinely care about the other person’s well-being and happiness.
• Stability and security: Your relationship provides a sense of safety and comfort.

Love is built on a foundation of friendship, shared values, and mutual respect. It’s a conscious choice to nurture and grow a connection, even when faced with challenges. While love can certainly involve passion and excitement, it’s ultimately grounded in a deep sense of care and commitment.

Limerence and love aren’t always mutually exclusive. Limerence can often be the initial spark that ignites a loving relationship. As the relationship develops and deepens, limerence may fade, while love takes root and flourishes.

Recognizing the Difference

Understanding the difference between limerence and love can be crucial for navigating long-distance relationships. Limerence can be exhilarating, but it’s important to recognize its limitations and potential pitfalls. If your happiness hinges solely on the other person’s reciprocation, or if you find yourself constantly anxious about the relationship, it may be a sign that limerence is at play. In long-distance relationships, there are gaps in time spent and physical presence to breed insecurity. It’s important to settle in and be able to distinguish between the two.

Ultimately, love is a more sustainable and fulfilling foundation for a long-term relationship. It requires effort, commitment, and a willingness to grow together. By recognizing the distinctions between limerence and love in long-distance relationships, you can better mindfully observe the dynamic and communicate about where you are in it.

If you are in a long-distance relationship with someone you haven’t yet spent quality time in real life, educate your love interest about limerence vs. love so you both keep awareness of it to avoid future shock and disappointment. And remember, even if there is some amount of limerence happening early on, this can transition to love as the relationship deepens.