Is It Wrong To Get Wrapped Up In Potential Romantic Futures?

My mind tends to play out⁠ possible scenarios for the future, and that doesn’t just apply to anxiety-ridden dread about everything that could go wrong in a given scenario.

It also applies to crushes.

If I become enamored with somebody before I even meet them, I don’t just imagine talking to them again or going on a date. My daydreams and nighttime visions fixate on an imagined future together. I love envisioning me and another woman walking down a pier at sunset, holding hands. Other times, I imagine her coming home from work, needing someone to vent to about her difficult day. I see myself sitting on our couch and listening as she leans on my back and lets loose.

Recently, I’ve discovered that I’m not the only person who gets lost in these kinds of romantic fantasies.

A recent social media post from an autistic pal of mine revealed that they, too, have deep fantasies imagining possible futures with potential future romantic⁠ partners and friends. Other autistic comrades chimed in in the comments to say they too struggled with this phenomenon.

Now that I know a source of these recurring fantasies, a new question emerged: Is it wrong to find fantasies about potential romantic futures intoxicating? Or is it just a harmless part of crushing on somebody?

Not at all! Some people just process romantic infatuations in different ways. Some folks might get so overwhelmed with a certain person that they can only focus on them in the here-and-now. Others, like yours truly, get swept away in potential possibilities of the future. It’s an outright normal psychological response to becoming deeply infatuated with someone.

Now, just because this response isn’t innately bad, though, doesn’t mean it can’t become a problem. Just as a hammer can fix or break things, so too can infatuations with the future head into dangerous waters. Specifically, if they inform toxic behaviors like making that potential romantic partner⁠ uncomfortable or possessive attitudes towards another person, that obviously isn’t good. It’s fun to imagine potential futures as personal joyful exercises. Using them as justification to feel like you’re “owed” something from another human being, that’s a big nope.

None of us are ever “owed” romantic reciprocation. Repeating that to yourself, perhaps writing it down on a note so that you have a physical reminder of it, these can remind you that you’re not the only one in this dynamic. There are also the feelings, perspectives, and emotions of that person you liked.

Remembering that they, too, have visions for the future (and they might not include you as a romantic partner) can help you ground yourself in reality. They don’t just exist as a fantasy object in your head, designed to fulfill whatever personal romantic conquests you’ve conjured up. Be sure to separate what’s in your head from what’s directly in front of you. It’s simple, but it’s important to remember that the world is far bigger than the disappointment you feel at this moment.

Becoming too obsessed with visions of potential futures is an easy way to lose track of important things like the wishes of others. Don’t let that instantly frighten you away, though, from these manifestations of longing. Crushes make you feel alive! Just don’t let them hinder your present and especially don’t use them to justify treating other people poorly.

There’s also some vital personal work that can be done when it comes to grappling with these kinds of romantic fantasies.

From what I’ve gathered talking to other autistic souls, longing is a common psychological trait among autistic people.

However, what spurs this longing is radically different from one autistic soul to another. For me, my proclivity for longing tends to fixate towards projecting potential romantic relationships into the future. I think that these elements also stem from my lack of experience with post-high school relationships. My scenarios for prospective future romantic partners aren’t things like finding “my soulmate” or marriage, but far more mundane endeavors like cooking dinner together, walking in a park, and holding hands in a movie theater. Even with the limitless power of imagination, my brain keeps it all grounded in a day-to-day reality.

I’ve not yet been in a long-term romantic relationship⁠ as an adult. Some other folks my age are saying “I do,” or having kids. Meanwhile, I’m just trying to make initial connections with women, praying they don’t eventually ghost me! Having not had experience with a romantic partner, my brain defaults to its ideals for one. My imagination fills in the “gaps” of reality. To be clear, I’m not saying this to put on a “woe is me” air or suggest I’m “owed” affection⁠ or any nonsense like that.

Instead, I’m painting a complete portrait of why these visions dance across my brain so often. Maybe you have similar traits or these anecdotes can help you find what makes your romantic visions tick. It’s another way of keeping one foot in reality while not demonizing a tendency to get lost in the future.

Considering the source of these fantasies can illuminate deeper truths buried just beneath the surface of these visions. Perhaps your ideas of romantic futures are deeply informed by media depictions of “ideal romances”. Understanding that could be a key way to develop techniques to form your own idiosyncratic ambitions for romantic futures. These romantic fantasies could also be indicators of larger psychological distress, including being dissatisfied with your current state of being. They could also just be the kinds of things you want in a romantic relationship, and your vision of what having the kind of romantic relationship you want looks like. These dreams of what could be don’t just signal affairs of the heart. They can also be the key that opens a door to larger truths about your mind.

The possibilities within these fantasies makes it extra clear why stigmatizing this psychological does nobody any good. Trust me, I’m speaking from experience as someone who often hated myself for daring to get lost in daydreams of my crushes.

After talking with folks like my therapist, I have a greater understanding of the yearning underlying these recurring departures into fantasy. I’m just experiencing normal emotions related to pining for human connection. They’re just manifesting in a manner that, per the anecdotes of other autistic folks in my sphere, is specific to my neurodivergent community.

Now, this experience appears to be relatable to more folks than just little old me…so now what? How do I or any other autistic person cope with the inevitable reality that not all of those fantasies or ambitions for the future will come to pass? Previously, I’ve felt crushed when my dreams of a romantic dynamic with a woman never come to fruition. A world of possibilities for a very specific kind of connection suddenly has vanished from line of sight.

In those moments, I try to remind myself I haven’t lost anything tangible. Yes, losing out on the possibility of being there for someone romantically is crushing. However, really the only things going up in smoke are imaginary matters. Nothing concretely rooted in everyday reality has actually slipped through my fingers. You can’t lose what you didn’t have.

It all feels real inside my head because of my investment in this person and fantasy. Plus, hey, us autistic people like our schedules. Having a seemingly “surefire” blueprint for the future between you and another person is just another way that penchant emerges. However, much like when mundane circumstances change your everyday schedule, surviving tweaked romantic plans is possible. It’s not comfortable or a process devoid of sorrow. But again, you’ve only lost the concept of a future social scenario. That’s much less severe than, say, your house or job going up in a fire.

Speaking from personal experience, it’s sometimes so easy to get wrapped up in schedules or expectations in your head only to get crushed when they don’t align with eventual reality. Most autistic folks love to have a plan, and potential romantic futures are no exception. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with finding an escape from dreary existence through your own dream ambitions for tomorrow. However, it’s also not something you can submerge in 24/7/365. Taking stock of material like your crush’s humanity, or why you’re prone to getting wrapped up in potential romantic futures are great ways to provide balance between reassuring fantasy and reality.

Is it wrong to get a crush on somebody or get swept away with ideas of the future? Of course not! Just try not to crush anyone else or yourself with them.

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