9 minute read

Relaxing during sex might be nearly impossible right now – but rest assured there’s lots you can do to change this. And some of these things might just surprise you. Because it’s not only about what you do during sex – it’s about what you do in your day-to-day life, too. 

As a sex therapist specializing in removing pressure and anxiety about sex – I want you to know you’re not alone. In fact, struggling to relax and enjoy sex this is one of the most common complaints I come across with all of my clients. 

And this makes sense. Because if you’re getting pulled left and right by thoughts such as “am I wet yet?” “did I forget my charger at work?” or “will my daughter ever tidy her room?” – why would sex be enjoyable?

Why it’s hard to relax and enjoy sex

While struggling to relax and enjoy sex isn’t a diagnosis, it’s often a part of other sexual difficulties (and sometimes the cause of them). Erectile dysfunction, sexual desire disorders such as low libido, and struggling to orgasm all go hand-in-hand with difficulties being present during sex. 

This in turn causes anxiety. And with anxiety, it becomes increasingly hard to relax. 

Even if you’re supposedly engaging in something you “should” love and enjoy, such as sex. 

It’s common to worry about all kinds of things during sex such as: 

• How your body looks, smells or tastes
• If your partner is enjoying themselves
• How hard or soft, wet or dry you are
• If you’re “good” in bed
• That presentation at work
• If you forgot to turn off the stove
• If you’ll ever feel differently about sex again

What I’ve learned throughout my years as a sex therapist & coach

When you want to know how to relax during sex the first place you usually go to is how to change things during sex.  And this makes sense, right? If the problem is sexual in nature – surely we should work on the sexual side of things. 

But the thing is, sexual problems aren’t always solved through merely changing sexual aspects like practices or techniques.

Throughout my 8+ years working specifically with sexual issues, it’s become apparent this is only half the solution. 

If we don’t turn our attention to the non-sexual stuff, too, we risk our efforts not working. Because sex isn’t just about sex, it’s about all of you. 

Sex is about all of you

Sexual problems not only require sex-specific strategies but also require we work beyond our sexuality and sex life. They require we work with our whole person and our life in general. 

Why? Because sexuality doesn’t exist in a void – it’s a part of us. 

All your life experiences – both pleasurable and painful – are carried with you into the bedroom. The stuff you learned about sex as a child, that one comment a one-night-stand made all those years ago, it’s all there.

Sex isn’t just a biological act spurred by hormones – it’s a pleasurable, intimate experience that involves our whole selves. Therefore, working with your whole self can have a deep and lasting impact on your sex life.

5 ways to relax during sex and enjoy sex

Change how you eat

While this may sound weird – hear me out for a second!

Eating food, just like having sex, can be a sensual experience. Satisfying flavours, different textures, and pleasant aromas are all a part of our eating experience (if we allow them to be). And because both sex and eating can be sensual experiences – they’re closely linked.

By focusing on how you eat, you can get important clues on how you approach sex. 

For example:

• Do you gobble it all down while scrolling on your phone? 
• Perhaps you eat a lot of your meals while on the go?
• Or maybe you eat the same thing for dinner every day? 

These clues might tell you something about your relationship with sex. For instance: 

• Perhaps you always multitask during sex by planning your week in your head, simultaneously. 
• Maybe you rush through sex each time, not stopping to savour the moment.
• Or maybe your sex life is always the same – beginning with kissing and ending with vaginal penetration.

Changing how you eat by savouring the moment and focusing on your food, instead of on your phone, can have a trickle-down effect.

Because the more present you can be with other, potentially sensual experiences (eating food), the more your brain learns how to be present in the moment in general. Therefore, changing how you eat will make it easier for you to be present during sex.

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Stop arguing with yourself

How many times have you found yourself suddenly immersed in an inner dialogue during sex? Perhaps punishing yourself for “not getting hard enough” or “never being in the mood”?

While it’s a completely natural reaction to sex not working out the way you want it to – it’s also toxic to your desire, arousal and overall pleasure. 

Because how sexy and enjoyable is it to beat yourself down while simultaneously trying to relax and “get into it”?

According to research (and my experience), our thoughts are powerful and can derail even the most passionate of moments. But don’t be despaired, this is definitely something you can change. Whether your thoughts concern the dishes, or how you’re worried something’s wrong with you. 

First things first: 

• Notice when you’re stuck in your head. You literally cannot change this if you’re not aware of the thoughts running rampant in your mind.
• Make note of whether there’s a pattern; is it always about your lack of desire? Perhaps you’re constantly focusing on how your breasts or your stomach look in a specific angle? This will clue you into what areas likely are producing the most anxiety for you.
• Decide to try directing your attention to what’s actually going on outside of your head. Sometimes this is best done by focusing on what’s sexy. 

When you do this regularly, things will start to change. But it’s not a one-and-done thing, it’s a habit you need to build.- 

Focus on what is sexy

When you’re stuck in your mind, you tend to have forgotten about the stuff that might have driven you to have sex in the first place. Your partner’s cologne, the way they looked at you when you stepped out fo the shower, or how gorgeous they are today. 

When you can’t relax during sex, you’re, in all likelihood, worried and anxious. And anxiety has a knack for turning our attention away from what is sexy. Because anxiety is your body’s inner alarm system going off as your body and brain think something dangerous is looming on the horizon. 

By actively re-focusing your attention on what you found sexy prior to having sex, or what initially was hot, you can start to relax and get into the experience again. 

However, if you’re having sex because you feel pressured to or because you feel you “should” as it’s been too long – this probably won’t work. If you have no sex drive and your partner is mad or it feels like it’s ruining your relationship, you might need the help of a sex therapist instead to uncomplicate this tangled weave. 

Stop scrolling your phone while doing what you enjoy

A lot of us (myself included) find ourselves multi-tasking even while doing something we enjoy, like binging tv. Five minutes into an exciting plot, we realise we’re simultaneously scrolling through Instagram. 

This means two things: 

1. We’re finding it difficult to be present in the moment.
2. As a result, we’re not enjoying the TV series or Instagram as much as we could, had we focused on one at a time.

Multi-tasking during the day, even when doing things we enjoy, is a clue to slow down and focus on one thing at a time. 

When we do this, we work on being mindful, and with more mindfulness in our day-to-day, it’s easier to be more mindful during sex.

Because the whole point of sex is to relax and enjoy it. When we’re not, it’s simply not as satisfying. 

Next time you notice yourself scrolling aimlessly through Instagram while chatting to a friend, or engaging with your partner – practise putting your phone down and immersing yourself in the activity.

Connect to your breath 

How to relax during sex is also about how we breathe. Breathwork and breathing exercises are all the rage today, and this is simply because they work. 

Our breath is indicative of how we’re feeling. For instance: 

• If your breath is shallow and high up in your chest, it usually means you’re stressed, worried or anxious.
• When your breath is deep and fills your stomach, it tends to mean you’re relaxed and feel safe.

If you find it difficult to move your breath down to your stomach, or you feel stressed most of the time – this is a sign to focus on your breath. 

By consciously giving yourself a few moments to focus on your breath and move it down to your stomach – you’re giving yourself a better chance of enjoying sex. 

This is because stress and worry are, more often than not, antidotes to sexual desire. This means the more worried we are, the less desire and sexual arousal we feel.

And with less desire and arousal, it’s harder to stay present in the moment (because the moment isn’t much fun). 

When you learn how to regulate your breath in general in life, you’ll be able to regulate yourself more easily during sex. This means you can learn to release worry and anxiety – and increase desire and pleasure. 

What you focus on thrives

There are lots of ways of learning how to relax during sex and enjoy it. One crucial way is working on your presence in life in general. Another is working on what’s going on during the moment, so you can shift focus and get back into enjoyment. Because what we focus on – thrives.

By regulating your breath, practising doing one thing at a time, focusing on what’s sexy, letting go of arguments in your mind, and focusing on changing how you eat – you’re giving yourself a real chance of actually enjoying sex.

And if we’re being honest – that’s really the only reason to ever have sex. Because it brings you pleasure, comfort and – maybe even – love.

It won’t always feel this way and if you want hands-on help from a sex therapist who gets it, my online course Re:Desire will help you want sex again and revel in the pleasure from it.

Following my proprietary process, The 5 Phases to Stress-Free Sex & Intimacy, you will learn how to feel unmoved by your thoughts, drop into your body, and have really great sex.

Check out Re:Desire here and grab the free 1,5 hour training people are calling “MIND BLOWING”.

Previously published by author Leigh Norén on sites such as Medium, Vocal & YourTango. Updated and re-published here 8th Oct 2024.