Should you break up or look for ways to fall back in love

When you’ve landed here, the realisation you no longer love your wife, husband or partner may have been brewing for a while. So, no wonder you want to know what to do to fall back in love.

Should you indeed fix and save your marriage or relationship? Or is it time to break up, separate and divorce?

Making such a potentially life-changing decision is mighty challenging, and that’s precisely why you’re here, I suspect. If only you could rekindle the love!

So, let’s unpack the situation.

What’s happened for you to conclude that you no longer love your spouse? Have you grown apart? Have you ‘simply’ fallen out of love, or have you met someone else and suddenly realised your marriage no longer fits your needs?

If you’ve fallen for someone else, you may have experienced once again how exciting love can be. You’ll realise how your marriage has grown stale and how your feelings for your spouse have changed.

It’s a pretty uncomfortable place to be, whether or not you’re having an affair.

My aim is, therefore, to help you make the decision.

Let’s look at each option to figure out what you can do when falling out of love with your spouse or partner.

I recommend a three-pronged approach to fall back in love:

1. Changing your focus
2. Getting to know each other anew
3. Repairing your marriage

But let’s talk about what love really means. How do you know you don’t love your spouse anymore?

What do you mean by not loving your spouse anymore?

What is love really?

If the two of you had come to me for counselling, I’d have asked you to write down five words that you’d connect with the word love.

Most couples I’ve asked had three words in common – at most. In other words, love had a different meaning for each of them!

To figure out what you mean by love, let’s look at what it means. The word ‘love’ is what we call a nominalisation – it doesn’t mean anything until you, me, or someone else gives it a meaning. You can’t identify it by buying a bag of love like you might a bag of sugar.

So, what does love mean to you? And what do you think it means to your partner or spouse?

When did you last have a conversation about what you really love about each other, instead of the chores, your schedule, the kids, the finances and, if you’re lucky, the holiday?

Hop over to my article on how to know you love someone for a bit of context. I’ll be here when you come back.

What to do if your spouse or partner still loves you but you don’t love them back

When you’re no longer in love with your spouse or partner but know they still very much love you, you’re faced with a decision. Should you stay or walk away?

By landing on this page, I take it that, for now, you want to find a way to stay and do what you can to fall back in love again.

So, let’s get cracking!

We’ll start by setting the scene in each of the three stages of love.

At what stage of your marriage or relationship did you fall out of love?

Relationship researcher Dr John Gottman describes three phases of love. So, at what stage is your relationship?

The first phase of love

I assume you’ve read the article on how to know you love someone I recommended earlier.

Has that changed your perspective on loving in a long-term relationship? 

It might be helpful to know that if you’re in a long-term relationship, your phase-1 obsessive feelings are very likely to decline. That is if you’ve actually been that infatuated with your partner.

Does that mean you don’t love your partner anymore?

Maybe. And that could be a reason you’ve landed here.

Is that a reason to break up?

Possibly.

Certainly, if your partner constantly criticises you, blames you for everything and is emotionally abusive – you ought to run a mile (provided you can do so safely, and you’re not living with a psychopath!)

However, that you’re no longer besotted doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve fallen out of love, even if it feels that way. You may simply not have grasped that you’ve entered a new stage in your relationship. That stage is likely to be a bit more challenging.

The second phase of love

If all goes well, you’re still in love, but the intensity seems to have changed somewhat over time.

Unless you’re in a toxic relationship, the second phase requires you to step up to the plate and work extra hard to build and maintain a healthy relationship.

This phase is about building trust and a sense of safety and security. This phase is most likely peppered with disagreements, disappointments, hurt, anger and frustration.

You can try to ‘wing it’ and hope for the best. But don’t be surprised if you sometimes feel overwhelmed with problems. It can begin to feel like you no longer love your spouse or partner, particularly when you lack the know-how to tackle them.

The third phase of love

If you’ve been together way longer than a couple of years and you’ve fallen out of love, you will hopefully have experienced a deep sense of connection and love. Or, you’ve continued to feel increasingly resentful. For you, something else might have gone awry.

Gottman talks about the fairness metric, meaning neither of you feels the other carries all the power – you’re equals.

Why did you fall out of love?

What happened?

If you’re hoping to fall back in love again with your spouse, you must deal with the underlying problem at some point. But perhaps you’ve already tried. So, we’ll start by tackling the problem from a different angle. Nevertheless, you’re going to have to work at it on a daily basis as we both know that love won’t come tumbling out of the sky. If only!

Let’s get cracking!

How to fall back in love

How do you fall in love with your husband, wife or partner again?

By way of encouragement, let me reassure you – there is a chance you can get that love back.

I hope you can see reinvesting in your marriage or relationship as an opportunity to grow and develop who you are – for your and your partner’s benefit.

Here’s how you stand the best changing of falling back in love with your spouse:

5 ways to fall back in love

1. You accept that you can’t ‘make’ your spouse change (rest assured, though, that if you’re changing, the dynamics in your relationship will change, and your spouse will necessarily have to adapt to that)
2. You’d be prepared to change for the greater good.
3. You won’t shrink away from stepping out of your comfort zone.
4. You’re prepared to confront whatever relationship problems have contributed to your wanting to give up on your marriage – with or without professional help.
5. You’d give it at least three months of sustained, daily focus and effort.

By being the best version of yourself, your spouse may see that you’re worth all their love and attention (if they didn’t already). They may remember why they fell in love with you and what qualities they most appreciate about you.

Most importantly, their change toward you might be the driving force behind your falling back in love with your spouse!

It’s not going to be an easy task, but it is doable!

Falling back in love starting today

Step 1. Changing how you respond to your spouse or partner

You’ll have to start by updating your relationship skills. To fall back in love, the first thing to do is to stop focussing on all the things you don’t like about your spouse. Did that cause you to roll your eyes?

You’ll need to focus on what you love about them and build on that.

I know it’s a challenging task, but I’ve got you.

To have the best chance of falling back in love, we’ll turn your whole situation upside down. Here’s everything you need to know for starters.

Your plan of action

To arm yourself with a ton of information, expert tips and savvy advice, read the following articles:

• Meaningful love quotes and “thank you” messages
• 24 healthy relationship tips
• How to be a supportive spouse (to make sure you’re not undermining your efforts)
• How to be a better husband, wife or partner

Once you’ve read the articles, you’re well-prepared.

Step 2. Stop criticising your spouse

There’s absolutely no point in finding fault. Chances are, you’ve tried it, and it hasn’t worked.

Your plan of action to fall back in love

1. Make a list of things you still like or even love about your partner. Dig deep!
2. The very moment you feel irritated, refocus your attention on one or more of their positive attributes or characteristics.
3. Commit to this action – it takes time to see the point and become easier.

Step 3. Get to know your spouse or partner again

I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve been withdrawing from your spouse now for a while. So, it’s time to step up to the plate and get to know them again – in a fun way.

Your plan of action for falling in love again

Download my free Communication Tools for couples bundle. It contains serious and fun relationship quizzes and guides to help you get chatting again.

Step 4. Repair your marriage or relationship to help you love again

When you’ve become disappointed, hurt and angry, it’s all too easy for those feelings to hang above you like a black cloud.

By reading the following articles, you’ll begin to see ways in which you can fix your relationship.

Choose the ones that speak to you:

• How to fix your relationship
• How to save a marriage on the brink of divorce
• How to stop arguing all the time
• How to survive infidelity and stay together
• What to do if your physical relationship has fallen off the cliff through lack of intimacy.

Once you’ve read those articles, you’ll have a ton of tips and actionable advice. You can put it into practice and begin to transform your relationship!

How will that make a difference?

Your focus will from this point on be on healing instead of the problems.

Fallen out of love with your spouse and in love with someone else?

Falling in love with someone else doesn’t need to mean you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse.

According to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, PhD, you have three systems in your brain (opens in a new tab) that govern love/mating. Each of these circuits can take the overtone, meaning that, theoretically at least, you can love all three for different reasons.

However, your wife is unlikely to understand or accept that if you’re being unfaithful. And, you may be torn between your spouse or primary partner and the new love in your life.

I’ll be straight with you – if you’re in love with someone else, you have little hope of rebuilding the relationship with your spouse. That is unless you cut the new person out of your life as thoroughly as possible. Still, that’s no guarantee that you’re able to rekindle love.

You’ll have to decide now – will you stay and try to make it work? Or will you come clean and tell your spouse or partner you want to break up?

You’ve fallen out of love with your spouse and want to break up

Decided to break up after all because you don’t love your spouse anymore? Can’t see how all the above will help you to fall back in love? Or you simply haven’t got the energy to try?

The question then is, how will you tell your spouse you want a divorce?

Perhaps you have tried to hide you were falling out of love, but chances are, your spouse is already aware all is not well. They’re likely to have felt and perhaps complained about your lack of interest. They probably feel no longer wanted by you. They may have commented that you’re always at work, with your friends or ‘absent’ even if you’re home.

Whether they suspect something is up or not, you’ll now need to have that dreaded conversation.

I’ve got your back!

The following articles contain a ton of information on how to break up, end your relationship, separate and divorce:

Finally

Let’s look at the positive side! You have every chance to turn your marriage or relationship around and learn a ton of relationship skills in the process. You discover that you can and are falling in love again.

You know that these dips are quite normal in a relationship and accept they’re often a signal that you’ve taken your eye off the ball.

You now have the knowledge and tools to help you refocus your attention and continue to build a healthy relationship.

As long as your first port of call is empathy and understanding, instead of criticism and contempt, you stand a better chance of making it through.

No matter your decision, you only need to look back at previous challenging times to know you have the strengths to deal with the present one. You’ve got this!